Sometimes Pinkies Aren't Enough
by grangertash
Summary: When she feels Brittany gently rest her head on her shoulder, she tries not to show how much it stings. Post finale. Angsty Brittana. Short one-shot.


When she feels Brittany gently rest her head on her shoulder, she tries not to show how much it stings.

A summer of Brittany. She imagined them sunning themselves by the pool, having Sweet Valley High marathons and waking up lazily in each others arms. She could see Brittany's blue eyes once again lightening up her empty house. They would go to the park where Brittany would fuss over the ducks and Santana would pretend to be bored and roll her eyes. They would play footsie under the table and smile because Santana's mom had no idea. They could be Brittany and Santana again.

However, Santana was beginning to realise that nothing ever goes her way anymore. New York had been like living in a bubble. For a moment, she thought that perhaps it was the beginning of a new chapter. The big city lights and the atmosphere had fooled her into believing that she was stronger. When Brittany smiled at her suggestively and dragged her into the bathroom, pushing her up against the wall, she thought for a moment things would change. That she would be able to make Brittany proud. It's a shame bubbles eventually burst.

As summer began, Brittany had seemed eager to rekindle their friendship. She had turned up on her doorstep with takeout from Breadstix in one hand and Lord Tubbington (despite Santana's protests) in the other. The whole summer had played out exactly as Santana had anticipated.

It should've been perfect. Except it wasn't. The summer had been like every Brittany and Santana summer. The only problem was, they weren't the same Brittany and Santana anymore.

Santana hadn't realised how much saying I love you would change everything. Three simple words can cause so much damage. They could move mountains and shift friendships that been standing strong for years.

As time went on, Santana saw Brittany fall back into their friendship, leaving Santana trailing behind. Suddenly, those meaningless touches weren't meaningless anymore. Santana would find herself watching Brittany sleep and searching for her laugh. Sex didn't mean just sex anymore; it meant everything

After returning from New York, Santana tried to swallow the nought in her stomach as she gripped pinkies with her best friend. Somehow, it felt like a step backwards. She wanted more from Brittany than secretive touches in the school hallways. She tried not to notice that Brittany had said "I love you" and not "I'm in love with you."

As the new school year approaches, Santana begins to accept that she had missed her chance. Brittany had wanted to be with her. All she needed Santana to do was to be honest with herself. Of course, she had fucked it up as usual. She had been so scared of coming out that she may have pushed away the only person she's ever loved. .

Brittany on the other hand seems to have forgotten the past year. She acts as though nothing had changed between them. As though Santana hadn't declared her love to her only to have it thrown back in her face. As though she hadn't asked her to prom only to be rejected by a terrified Santana.

Santana fears she has been officially pushed into friend zone. Her fears are only confirmed when a couple of weeks into the school year, Brittany declares she was thinking she "might go to the zoo with Artie tomorrow."

Santana knows she should speak up. She knows she should tell her she's in love with her. That being best friends wasn't enough anymore. Then again, she tried that once.

She knows that she can't. Half because she's scared and half because she knows it would be selfish. Brittany deserves someone who would be able to love her with every fibre of their being. Seeing as half of Santana's being is inside her closet, she knows it can't be her.

Maybe it was better this way. Santana knows she's a bitch and perhaps Brittany deserved better than that. Perhaps, with time, the whole in her heart would heal and they'd go back to being best friends.

So, Santana takes Brittany's hand as they sit in the choir room listening to another one of Mr. Shue's speeches and squeezes it tight, hoping that someday it will be enough.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** Oops, that was rather depressing. It was meant to be longer and happier but never mind. I have too many feelings and needed to get them out. Feeling super angst after the finale and the Heather comment. I went from being 100% sure Brittana was endgame to extreme doubt. Can a ship still sail when half of it is jumping overboard? Oh well, I'll always have fanfiction.

:) xx


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